Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.