Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
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My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Go girl power!
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Oops I deleted….
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!