Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
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So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My whole life was a lie.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”