Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
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Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son