[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
You Might Also Like
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*