[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
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When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”