[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
What’s this sorcery? 😂
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭