[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
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If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay