Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
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Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.