Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
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Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.