I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
You Might Also Like
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.