I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
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[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
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Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff