Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
You Might Also Like
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
S O O N
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
When you’re Kinky but poor
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
It do be feeling this way.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.