Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
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[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.