Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
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god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Don’t make me out nice you.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.