@pkollar: video games allow you to journey to wondrous locations straight out of your dreams such as: warehouse, sewer, and subway tunnel
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@daemonic3: Possum 911: What's your emergency Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD! Possum 911: You sure they aren't just playing? Possum: Oh yeah
@TheToddWilliams: [candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition.
@WhatevaConc: People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
@sageboggs: "OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??" -me watching gymnastics