ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
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“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.