Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
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Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
*looks at you in batman voice*
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
How dude HOW?!
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
What number SPF blocks people?