Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
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My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”