@drewtoothpaste: [VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
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@RandiLawson: Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
@KentWGraham: It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that's just for the alcohol.
@ericsshadow: [at my high school reunion] Hey guys, remember last year when we toilet papered Mrs. Krebb's house? "Dude that was in 1991."
@jordan_stratton: Note to Self: In future interviews, don't say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.