VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
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Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I didn’t realize that was an option
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
This is not me but this is me
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize