villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
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[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.