villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
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If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//