@Skoogeth: villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
@ClichedOut: Interviewer: why do u want to work here
@WhaJoTalkinBout: If the floor is lava, that couch isn't gonna help you, kid.
@cepheusjackson: WIFE: Shouldn't you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
@Rollinintheseat: If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
@ArfMeasures: [1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?
Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory