villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
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Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Spa day..😅
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro