villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
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Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”