Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
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[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
The booster protects against what, now?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
goldfish mafia
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok