VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Good morning.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east