@timdonakowski: Store Sign: "WE HAVE MACE" Think that's going to keep me from shopping here?

@behindyourback: *at my funeral* Friend crying over my casket: look they're burying her in her favorite dress Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets

@timmartinwhy: WHAT I ORDER: French toast WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die

@ericonederful: 90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

@Twtercide: 6 yo: *yells* Mom! I'm on level 18!!!! Me: *peeks in room* PAGE 18, princess. You're reading. 6 yo: Oh