The government even made aliens boring
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Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon