Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
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99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
We found love in a hopeless place.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Room with a view.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.