Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
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[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.