Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
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Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Quadruple digit IQ
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I can’t stop watching this.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Bit chilly again tonight.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.