Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
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Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo