@FattMernandez: Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
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@daveexplosm: Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We're 21st-century cavemen.
@maxpalumbo5: When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
@BuckyIsotope: Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
@two1ohhbabydoll: "Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong." - murderers, apparently.