Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
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For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I am HOWLING at this
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam