“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
That eye roll….
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.