You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
You Might Also Like
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels