“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.