Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
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Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
the best thing i’ve ever made
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.