@Sorrowscopes: Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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@summerofbenny: Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
@rickkondell: The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
@TweetPotato314: Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that? Wife: Ew, gross. Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?