[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
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My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Shoo shoo! 😂
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.