[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
You Might Also Like
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.