*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.