*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
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If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
i wish we could shoplift online
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Nice try Hitler
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One