*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
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Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
For cardio I live beyond my means.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)