*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
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WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?