@meganamram: "Vitamin Water"?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP
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@TheTweetOfGod: When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
@NoogsCorner: Cop: Why are your eyes bloodshot? Me: My girlfriend dumped me and I was crying... Cop: Oh. Me: ...so I smoked weed to feel better.
@david8hughes: Wife: whats that? Son: I painted a picture of a cat Wife: it's very good Me: if it was very good you wouldn't have needed to ask what it was