“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
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me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
won’t smith
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING