“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
he was correct
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
new career option?
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??