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Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah