Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
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What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Still cracks me up
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Skills
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.